George Washington Is Cash Money: A No-Bullshit Guide to the United Myths of America, by Cory O'Brien
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George Washington Is Cash Money: A No-Bullshit Guide to the United Myths of America, by Cory O'Brien
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PREPARE TO BE BEAKED BY THE MAJESTIC EAGLE OF HISTORY Most of us are familiar with the greatest hits and legendary heroes of US history. In George Washington Is Cash Money, Cory O’Brien, author of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, does away with the pomp and circumstance and calls America’s history what it is: one long, violent soap opera. In his signature clever, crude, and cuss-ridden style, O’Brien reminds us that: · Teddy Roosevelt stopped bullets with his manly chest · Harriet Tubman avoided danger by having prophetic seizures. · Joseph Smith invented Mormonism by staring into a hat full of rocks. · Billy the Kid was finally defeated by the smell of fresh bacon. And there’s plenty more Star Spangled stupidity where that came from.
George Washington Is Cash Money: A No-Bullshit Guide to the United Myths of America, by Cory O'Brien- Amazon Sales Rank: #185201 in Books
- Brand: O'brien, Cory/ Melville, Soren (ILT)
- Published on: 2015-05-12
- Released on: 2015-05-12
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.99" h x .52" w x 4.45" l, 1.00 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 240 pages
Review Praise for Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes“I was giggling by the first page and full blown LOLing by the first myth. It’s really that funny.”–Electric Feast “It is in fact the not-so-delicate, in-your-face attitude, sarcasm, and black humor that have made this book an instant standout against the other mythology chronicles of its time.”–The Blue & Gold
About the Author Cory O’Brien is a word-wizard and technojester of the first degree. He reads and writes mythology, science fiction, and computer code. He has camped with gypsies, juggled for food, and driven across the country in a car powered by vegetable oil. Now he lives in Chicago, where he recently graduated with an MFA in writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Cory's dream is to one day travel to Mars, or at least to own a jacket made entirely of pockets.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Benjamin Franklin Is the God of Lightning I know what you’re expecting because I know how books like this usually go. I’m supposed to tick off the Founding Fathers one by one and tell you what assholes they all actually are. You know why popular history likes to do this? Because everyone loves to see their heroes look bad and if you have enough information about a dude it is SUPER EASY to make him look like a dingus. BAM INSTANT BESTSELLER. I did it with Christopher Columbus because he’s terrible and I did it with George Washington ’cause he’s the colonial equivalent of a trust fund kid but now it’s time to talk about Ben Franklin and I won’t do it. It’s not that I can’t make Big Ben look like a prick. Dude may have (definitely) hit on his best bro’s girl while his bro was out of town one time and he may have (definitely) refused to marry a lady because her parents wouldn’t pay off ALL HIS DEBT and he may have (definitely) cheated on his wife and then fathered a son who eventually fought against him in the revolution but when the best dirt historians can dig up on you is that you had a lot of extramarital sex well, at worst you’re the Zeus of the thirteen colonies. Ben gets born in Boston around 1706 which means he had exactly seventy years to become enough of a ruckus-causer to spark off the American Revolution. Yeah imagine your granddad banging hookers in France while simultaneously negotiating military treaties and maybe then you’ll understand why I like this guy. Anyway he gets born he works for his brother as a printer for a while teaches himself writing (because he’s too poor for college) and then goes “fuck this” and moves to Philly because he hears they have dope sandwiches. In Philly, he keeps being a printer and he’s so goddamn good at it (spoiler: Ben Franklin is good at EVERYTHING) that pretty soon dudes are just handing him cash to buy his own press and start his own business. So now he becomes a master printer buys a couple slaves (but don’t worry, he frees them later and he doesn’t even have to die first!) and starts a newspaper which he uses to manipulate the opinions of Philadelphia’s ENTIRE GOVERNMENT. He also starts a weekly discussion group which gets so popular that each member starts his own discussion group and from that point on Ben Franklin owns Philadelphia. Let me explain how this works: Anytime Benjamin Franklin wants a thing to happen the first thing he does is write a paper about it then he reads it in his discussion group and then he gives it to each of his members and has them read it in their discussion group then he publishes it in his newspaper which is the most popular newspaper in the city and then when everybody is talking about his plan he goes to the assembly (which he is also the clerk of, coincidentally) and is like “Hey, guys it seems like everybody wants this thing to happen maybe you should do it.” BOOM. POLITICS. He uses this technique to get a night watch a fire department a militia a hospital a university paved roads and a library (while also securing himself a contract to print ALL THE MONEY IN PENNSYLVANIA). You couldn’t throw a rock down a street without hitting a public service attributable to him and even if you did your rock would be quickly swept up by the street sweepers Franklin employed. So obviously he becomes unreasonably wealthy and he tries to retire but everyone is like “NOPE YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE ASSEMBLY NOW” and he’s like “Aw man, really? I was looking forward to a life of leisure just doin’ science and hot chicks forever.” But he does it anyway. Then when shit starts getting crazy in the colonies he goes to England and he’s like “Guys, maybe we should make a deal where you don’t act like you can make laws for us and we maybe don’t kill all your guys” and the British are like “PISH POSH” and Ben’s like “Okay maybe stop being British for a sec and just listen to me” and the British are like “BALDERDASH” and Ben is like “Okay, well I guess I’m gonna go tell France to kill you now” and the French (who at this time in history will take ANY opportunity to screw with England) are like “OUI OUI” and Ben is like “God dammit I’m surrounded by foreigners.” But Franklin is not content simply to challenge the British Empire he has to challenge THE GODS THEMSELVES specifically Zeus, god of lightning presumably because he didn’t like the competition when it came to illegitimate sexytimes. So Ben decides to find out what’s up with electricity which means he has to take a break from single-handedly inventing Philadelphia to run some experiments and it turns out that there is one particular experiment that everyone else is too much of a weenie to run and that is the experiment that will finally answer the age-old question: “IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????” COME ON COME THE FUCK ON IT’S LIGHTNING. WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING IT GOES BZZT AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRA NSPARENT AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS? Man, the past is dumb. But Big Ben Franklin is NOT so he does the smartest possible thing which is to make a kite out of metal and silk attach a key to the bottom and go out in a lightning storm. This guy is on our money, America. Not only is he on our money he’s on a denomination of money that I’m not even rich enough to possess. Anyway, this experiment is a great success Benjamin Franklin finally proves that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be and he writes a paper about it and sends it to the Royal Society of London and they’re all like “POPPYCOCK! LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.” And they refuse to acknowledge the experiment until some French dudes run it better. This brings to mind an old adage: Early to bed and early to rise will not make you as cool as Benjamin Franklin. SLEEP LATE HAVE SEX.
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Most helpful customer reviews
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful. George Washington isn't even the best chapter By Aimee Jarboe History and mythology are pretty much the same thing to this author--which is both a compliment from me and a statement I pulled directly from the book's introduction (the part of the book also labeled "Emergency Toilet Paper"). Cory O'Brien weaves epic tales in a modern bardic mashup of Norse poetry, beat poetry, and Tumblr comments, exalting America's pantheon from Johnny Appleseed to Marilyn Monroe. This book gave me more emotions than anticipated, mostly from the candid self-awareness displayed by the author. 5 stars for teaching me about the best and worst of humanity in the best way.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful. A hilarious and intelligent book By Andrew Groen O'brien has a way with words, and he is so much fun to read. George Washington is Cash Money is full of all of the quintessential American myths (even though we often don't call them myths) from the story of John Henry to Benjamin Franklin's kite/lighting story. Even when you already know the details of the story it's an absolute joy to see how Cory O'Brien retells them. The book itself is a great reminder of all the great stories in American cultural history, and O'Brien's writing makes it fun to read while also using modern colloquial language to elucidate the grander themes of the story that are sometimes difficult for modern audiences to suss out. This is just as good as his previous book, and I can't wait to see what he does next.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful. Lots of fun By Jen L This book is pretty hilarious. Like O'Brien's other book, Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, it's sort of how Reddit might tell American history/mythology. You have to have a pretty high level of irreverence to appreciate it, but if you have that, there's a lot to laugh at.
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